Freaking Out

Lots to update on!!

George asked me to marry him just before New Years. I told him I had three conditions: he had to talk to my parents and get their blessing, he had to buy a ring, and he had to propose in person. He did all three, and we were engaged January 11.

We then got married January 17. I know, sounds fast and blah blah blah, but all that matters is that he and I know it's right. We keep coming back to each other, and he was only home on R&R for 2 weeks. But we have a good base: over 4 years of friendship, and we've always cared a lot about each other.

And before anyone asks, George is taking the parental role in this baby's life. George and Jimmer had a conversation before George came home from Iraq - basically George asked Jimmer to sign over parental rights, and Jimmer all but told George to tell him when and where to meet to sign the papers. The baby has to be born first - technically there is nothing to have custody over until the baby is separate from me, but as soon as I can, the paperwork will get done and Jimmer will just be a bad memory.

So it's getting VERY real now. Just 28 days until the baby is expected to be here - I'm really starting to freak out. I'm starting to have those fears that "supposedly" every mother has. So why do I feel like mine are ten-fold?

I'm afraid of childbirth. I've taken the class, I've got three strong women to help me in the delivery room: Whitney, Mom, and Cathy (my doula). But it hasn't eased my fears or anxiety about the baby coming. I know I'm kinda stuck now - the baby is going to come out one way or another.

I'm afraid that I will not know what to do when the baby is here and that I'll freak out. What if the baby and I don't bond because I am afriad to hold it? What if he/she gets sick because I miss something TOTALLY obvious? I feel so sorry for this child already - I'm clueless, and I'm so scared of being a bad mom. I have a "Baby Basics" class tonight and Thursday at the hospital, but can 2 two-hour classes really help that much? I might get a crash course, but how much will I remember when it comes time to use that info?

It's hard talking about everything with George, too. He has so much to think about in Iraq - his own life, the lives of the 5 soldiers under him, not to mention the added stress of knowing his wife will be going into labor in the next few weeks, and that technically, it could come at anytime now. I don't think I'll go into labor early, but you never know what can happen. It's so frustrating because I know I'm going to feel so alone when the baby comes because he won't be here to share that with me. I also don't want to unload any more on him for him to worry about. I had a panic/anxiety attack yesterday because I'm freaking out so bad and because I'm so tired, and I sent him an email about it - all I did was raise his blood pressure because he can't do anything while he's there and I'm here, and he didn't know what to do.

I want to stop working so bad. I'm exhausted and moody and crabby all the time because I am working so much still. George wants me to quit working - he says the one or two paychecks I get between now and the due date won't change much. I don't know that I could quit working alltogether, though. I think I would get bored and that my mind would wander too much during the day about becoming a mommy and about George. Mom also doesn't think I should quit working - she hasn't fully explained her reasoning, but I'm sure it's along the lines of what I'm thinking. I am hoping my boss will let me go down in my hours, at least. I can't keep up with the 32 hours a week right now. I just can't make it through the whole day - I start DRAGGING at 3.

I think I'm just scared of failing. Failing at being a mom, failing at being a wife, failing at finding the right place for us to live in Hawaii when the time comes....I have so much that I am responsible for over the next 6 months, and I'm worried I won't be able to accomplish everything without letting something go.

I am really hoping that unloading how I feel somewhere (ie, HERE) will help. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be strong for myself, for the baby, for my husband, for my parents. I want to feel like I can cry everyday instead of holding it in.


On a good note, Whitney & her mom sent their gift to the house, and it arrived today - my jogging stroller! I CAN'T WAIT to start using it and feeling more like the old Courtney - active, healthy, not tired....Gotta give George his MILF when he get's home, LOL.