Sleep evades me....(this one's mostly for YOU)

I cannot tell you the last time I slept a normal, full night's sleep without the use of a sleep aid. It's 3:30am and I'm wide awake, bawling my eyes out.

I miss my husband more than any words could describe. In the last week, I have cried every single night, wishing he was home, wishing he was helping me raise Brady and not missing out on milestones that he has to catch through pictures and video....it's so unfair. And it's not even just my husband. I know I'm one of hundreds of thousands of people missing someone who has to fight in Iraq or Afghanistan. I support these men and women in their everyday duties, I try to be patient when I don't get to speak to my husband everyday. I know I'm lucky that we get to talk nearly every single day.

I just hate being apart from someone and fighting all the time when we're supposed to be in our "honeymoon" stage, that precious first year of marriage where everything is sweet and considerate. I feel robbed, cheated somehow. I hate seeing men or women in uniform when I'm out in public - hello! With Quantico and Fort Belvoir both within 30 minutes of where I live, it's impossible to not see SOMEONE in uniform. I'm so pathetic - I do my shopping online so that I don't have to leave the house.

And then, everytime Brady has a milestone - smiling, "talking," eating solid food, rolling over....my first instinct is to grab the camera to take pictures and video so that George won't feel left out, so that he'll still feel like he didn't "miss" everything in Brady's first 8 months. But then I feel horrible when I have to tell him that he's missed something else, but hey, there's pictures and videos of it. I cannot imagine what he feels everytime he sees pictures or video of Brady. If it hurts me, the range of emotions George feels must be unbearable.

There was a scene on "Army Wives" Sunday night that really hit home. The spouses (all wives, one husband, one soldier) are sitting in a circle at a bar table, each with a shot. They are going around and each toasting one thing that pisses them off. The husband said "I'm pissed because I've spent half of my marriage alone." I don't want to be that way!! I want my family to be together and to be safe. I want all of us to experience everything together, at the same time, in the same moment.

I know that I married into this, knowing that George was in the Army, so it seems HIGHLY unfair that I would complain at all. I am enormously proud of my husband every single day. I know that he is over there, wishing he was here every single day. But he doesn't complain. He does his job every single day, even on the tough days. He knows his duty is to serve our country and he does it with so much pride. I hope you know how much I respect that, George.

George, I am SO proud of you. I am lucky and grateful to have you in my life as my best friend, lover, husband, and soulmate. I love you. I miss you. Come home safe. The day you come home, I don't care if it is pouring down rain - we will be standing there, soaking wet, waving our flags, waiting for you to arrive, waiting to see your smile and to feel your breath on my ear as you whisper that you love me, waiting for you to hold Brady and to hug him and to hold him high in the air. I know you just want to see and be with us every day and night. We say goodnight to you every night and pray for you every night before we go to bed. Mom caught Brady just staring at the black and white photo of us above his crib a few mornings ago. No babbling, no cooing, just staring at it. He's growing so fast, but we talk about you every day. We know you think about us every day and that you love us. But I don't tell you how much I love you enough.

If you ever need a reminder, ask me for one. I should remind you everyday, and I don't and that's wrong of me. You are so much braver than I will ever be. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for loving me in spite of all of my many faults. Thank you for opening your heart to our son. Thank you for being my husband.